Okay. So I know I said my next post would be about God’s will, but too bad. I decide to post this one first.

So… I am not okay.

This week was rough.

You know that feeling when you’re hanging from a cliff, and you feel like you can get to the top if you just push up and get your leg up over the ledge, and then you’ll be good? Well, I felt that way all week, and I just never really got over the top.

I feel disoriented every day, like I forgot why I am here,
what I stand for,
why I am even supposed to care about the people in my life.

Because honestly, all I’ve really been caring about lately is myself.
Whoever that is.
Myself and my own responsibilities and tasks.

Do you have a sense of higher purpose in your life? Because if you don’t, I have no idea how you can still be alive. I just can’t do it for very long.

So anyway, I’ve been trying to understand all week why I have felt this way.

Part of it is that I have officially started working 40 hours a week. I haven’t done that since my custodian days during my first summer in college. (To this day, I thank God for Owl City, who got me through that time in my life. Though I’ll admit Owl City songs, every once in a while, give me flashbacks of scrubbing apartment walls). And as much as I enjoy having a job in which I can choose when and where I work (most of the time), it makes it that much more difficult to define boundaries in my life. I’ve found myself checking my email all the time, or just ruminating about work and not actually doing anything. How can I mentally compartmentalize these different areas of my life?

Part of it is I messed up my sleep schedule last weekend and have just been low on sleep. Sleep definitely has more of an impact on my mood and thought life than I give it credit for.

Because another part is, since I’ve been tired, and not good at making decisions, I’ve been deciding to use what free time I do have to do things that really aren’t meaningful, restful, or even fun.

My time in the Word has also become the wimpiest it’s been since… maybe 6th grade. In middle school and high school, I used to read every single night, no matter how late it was or how tired I was. Now, I’ll read every once in a while, but it just isn’t very life-giving. And of course, instead of getting my needs met in God, I’ve either been seeking them in the wrong places — the god of busyness, the god of idleness, the god of self-centered anything — or just not dealing with them at all and walking around hungry all the time.

I had a sister in my LIFE Group come up to me and compliment me about the wisdom I somehow-by-the-grace-of-God was able to share during the group. But I quickly dismissed her. Because this week, I felt like I was starting all over again. Like I knew nothing about the Bible, and had forgotten everything God had tried to hard to stick into my head/heart all this time.

So what am I missing?

I’ve been praying and asking God to show me my heart and show me the way. So here goes. I’m hoping writing this will help me get my bearings (Psalm 139:23-24).

…

 

Weary.

That’s what I am. I’m weary of being passionate, weary of seeking change. Weary of trying to keep up with the responsibilities I’ve taken on in my life. All the labels I use to feel good about myself (passionate, intentional, grounded)… well, they don’t really describe me right now. And the words I can describe myself with (responsible, useful, high-functioning)… well, you could use them to describe a machine.

So what now?

I could just do nothing and wait…

I think waiting is fine. I can’t save myself from my by just “trying harder.” Right? Isn’t that, like, the point of the gospel? So in a way, I need to wait.

But doing nothing? No. I’m gonna seek, and hope for an answer, and expect that God’s gonna get me out of this rut (like He always does). It’s a fight, after all. Ephesians 6:12-13.

A wise woman told me this week, “You need to take care of yourself. Because nobody else will.”

I think that’s partly true. I need to be aware of my needs, and I need to reach out when I’m having trouble. Hebrews 4:16. But ultimately, God takes care of me more than I know, and He does a much better job than I do. 1 Peter 5:7.

So what do I need?

This one has always been tough for me. I have tried my whole life not to be needy. I’ve gotten better at it, though.

Here’s what I think I need:

Love.

No, not from you (thought I appreciate it!). I think “love” is what I need to do.

I can get my hours in at work if I try. I might go crazy, but I can do it. I can clean my room and get my passport and go to this meeting and meet such and such a person and help so-and-so with tech and play drums for this service and that service and put on a pretty convincing show.

But if I have not love, I am nothing. 1 Corinthians 13:1-3.

I got a text from a friend this week, and found myself putting it on my mental task list to respond. Then, when I responded, I was relieved to have that over with. Next task.

And then, when I finally finish with all my tasks… then maybe I won’t be so stressed and selfish. Right?

What kind of person am I? Have my relationships really been reduced to this?

If I have not love, I am nothing.

God is love. 1 John 4:8.
Without God, I am nothing.
Without God, it is impossible for me to love. John 15:5.
Like a phone with no battery, my wi-fi capabilities mean nothing if my heart is
dead.

But I’m NOT that way anymore:

“But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, ⁵ even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus,so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.” ~St. Paul, letter to the church in Ephesus, Ephesians 2:4-7

Recharge.

God, I need you to recharge me with love.

Love is not doing what I want, when I want (but of course just not doing bad stuff). Ephesians 4:20-24.
Love is not giving exactly as much as I get from others (and when I’m not getting, giving up). Matthew 5:38-40.
Love is not spending time with people because I have to (or even because I like them). Matthew 5:43-48.

Love is wanting another’s good.
More than anything.
Wanting the best for them, no matter what.

To love God is to obey Him, because I know He wants the best for all of us. 1 John 5:2.
When I do what He says, I’m loving, because I’m doing what will lead to the greatest good for us all.

To love people is not just to please them, to exchange my work for their affirmation or whatever.
To love people is to point them to God, not myself. Galatians 5:1.
To rely on Him, and show people how I rely on Him.
To borrow the qualities of Christ and show them how nothing else compares.

By living with
His love,
His desires,
His passion,
His will,
as if they were my very own,
I will be living out my purpose. Luke 22:42.

It’s the only way I’ll be able to live without growing weary.
It’s the only way I’ll find joy.
And it’s the best possible way I can make my mark on the world.

“Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
 He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.”

~The Prophet Isaiah, circa 700BC, Isaiah 40:28-29

My friend Colin said at our LIFE Group this week that he feels like he’s going through the motions at work.
You know what, I think I feel that way too.

God, help me straighten out my priorities.
I’d rather love my coworkers and clients, and not meet all their expectations, than blindly do as I’m told.
I’d rather have friends whose text message grammar bugs the crap out of me —
and love them anyway —
than to practically say,
“because of ____, you’re not good enough to be my friend.”
Yikes.

(God knows people have dealt with WAY more than bad grammar to keep loving me.
I was good enough for Him, and it wasn’t because of anything I did.)

According to God’s command, I must love ALL the people in my young adult group, or it’s not love at all.

Not just the ones I feel “safe” loving,
the ones I get along with.
I must love the ones who might interpret it wrong.
I must love the ones who don’t even make an effort to come.
I must love the ones who aren’t as passionate as I often am, maybe because they’re going through something just like me, and can’t seem to find their bearings.

If my goal is simply to get through the day, like it has been this week… there is only so much I will endure before growing weary.
And my weary wanderings will only make me more weary and take up more of my time and steal more of my joy.

But if my goal is to love like Jesus,
with the love He’s given me,
for the sole reason of being for Him…
it just might work.

Because that’s how He made life to work:

with love at the center.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is, here I am, God. I want to love You. Help me love You. And help me people like you do. Regarding all the tasks in the universe, I shouldn’t worry. You’ll make sure they get done. What you want is for my to love.

And here I am, friends, coworkers, strangers. Saints, sinners. Grown-ups, kids, students. Whoever’s reading this. I’m ready to be a friend. I want to love you like Jesus does.

I want to let you down.
I want you to let me down.
I am sorry I have not loved you, and have instead made you a task in a life that revolves around me.

I want to love you anyway.

So what do you say?

Galatians 6:9
2 Thessalonians 3:13
Hebrews 12:3