I’m doing this new thing where I try to obey God no matter how I feel.

A while back, I rationalized that I should not do anything unless my heart is in it, or else I’m doing it for the wrong reason. In other words, if I don’t want to do something – if I don’t do it “willingly” – then I’m not really doing it out of love. If I ever feel forced to do something, then it’s better not to do it at all.

So essentially, I have to wait until I want to do something before I do it. If I don’t want to do it but I do it anyway, then it is merely “acting,” which is a form of lying about my true intentions. For the sake of this entry, I will call this the Theory of False Motives.

What you have probably realized already, but something to which I have been blind, is really how flawed this belief is. The love that God has for me, and that I am called to have for Him, is unconditional love. If I have this “unconditional love,” it does not mean that I will naturally always want to do things for someone. And if I don’t want to do something, it doesn’t mean that I don’t love that person.

Love is not a feeling. In fact, it’s quite the opposite – what proves my love for someone is the fact that, in spite of how I feel, I will make a sacrifice for someone.

Now this is unheard of in our culture. When you “fall in love,” you are supposed to love that person automatically – it’s that easy. Like the easy button… of love. But when you “fall out of love,” you eventually stop wanting to please that person, because it gets hard. Somehow, this lack of intense desire is supposed to be an indication to you that there is no love in the relationship. And if you give up at this point where it gets hard… well, then, I suppose you are absolutely right.

Just as in any relationship, my relationship with God is not supposed to be easy, exciting, novel, fun, and encouraging all of the time. In fact, having all of these things is very rare, I think, because the temptation for complacency is so overwhelming. It has been set before me that I have been seeking these qualities in my Christianity, but instead labeling it “joy.” The Bible says to “rejoice always” (Philippians 4:4, 1 Thessalonians 5:16), so I thought part of this meant that I should always be in a good mood. I should always want to do good deeds, or else I am “doing it wrong.”

In my past, I have bottled up my emotions because they get in the way. But bottling everything up just lead to isolation and guilt that were too deep for me or God to deal with. Since then, I reversed my thinking to the other end of the spectrum. Instead of living a double life, I need to be “authentic,” believing that this “authenticity” requires expressing every emotion I have. That is, I must “expose the darkness” in order to get rid of it. But this caused me to pursue my own darkness instead of pursuing exposure to the light.

Technique #1: Bottling. Results: FAIL
Technique #2: Spewing. Results: FAIL

I like the Bible’s technique of describing the heart in terms of light and darkness. You see, darkness is defined only in relation to light. When you turn on a light, that darkness dissipates in an instant. In the same way, even though I naturally have a Heart of Darkness, I am not doomed to a life of darkness (as tempting as that sounds).

If I confess my attitudes to God and ask Him to change them, then the darkness is neither bottled up nor spread across the room. That darkness receives both acknowledgement and treatment with light – the perfect cure to that disease.

Technique #3: Aborted. There is no Technique #3. The solution is not a technique of cognition; it is a relationship.

I’m doing this new thing where I let God transform me, where I can love both authentically and wholeheartedly. Do I have pure motives? Do I want to do this? Am I ever going to run out of excuses? The answer is a resounding no. But you know what? Tough cookies.

The fact is, whether I want to, whether I think I’m justified, whether I am being completely Unselfish – these things do not change the fact that I am called to love unconditionally. Emotions exist – I can’t change that, though I’ve tried. But emotions are also insignificant when compared to the source of life’s true significance: Love in the flesh.

So what is “unconditional love,” then? Love is not proven by infinite enjoyment in doing good deeds. Whatever that is, it doesn’t exist, except in perhaps a few Disney movies involving prissy princesses (as infinitely enjoyable as they are to watch). Love is proven by sacrifice. “… God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). Do you think He wanted to die for us? The night before, He was so disturbed that He was sweating blood. Is that something you do when you’re excited? If Christ waited until He “felt like,” you know, suffering the most torturous and in humane death in human history, that it would have ever happened?

“We love Him because He first loved us” (1 John 4:19). The love that motivated Christ to do the unthinkable is the same love that shall motivate me in obeying my God. Although I don’t always want to love God through my actions, my love for Him is so valuable and comes at such a high price and is worth so much to me that I am willing to give up all of my hesitations, excuses, and desires for it. There are times when I would rather grovel in my own anger than go out in the cold and serve people. There are times when I have so much on my agenda that every single thing seems to be more important or enjoyable than listening to what God has to say to me. But the truth is, love is not something I want. It is something I need. My need to desire God is so great that it must, by both principle and action, outshine every other desire.

“… [W]hen he had found one pearl of great price, went and sold all that he had and bought it” (Matthew 13:46). Jesus’ parable containing this verse refers to the price of following Him – it is more valuable than everything else we have. But I also see that this is motivated by love for God, for again, “We love Him because He first loved us” (1 John 4:19).

Jesus gave everything He had for me, for this Pearl, on the cross. To Him, I am worth it. The question I must ask myself, every single time I have an opportunity to serve God, must be: “Is He worth it to me?” If I claim to give my entire life to God, should I not also give Him my time? My worries? Even my reluctance shall be taken captive to Christ. When I find that all I have belongs to Him, I find that one place where I truly belong.

I am doing this new thing where God is my undesirable desire. This is the paradox not so commonly known as Love.