What is that? It’s a term coined by C.S. Lewis in his book The Screwtape Letters. It’s a paradox in which neither person gets what he or she wants, and both come out of a completely unproductive situation with a sense of self-righteousness with an added bonus of awkwardness. This phenomenon was quite confusing for me at the first read in Lewis’s book, but I have found discouraging parallels in the modern day that I see all of the time.  Reading about the Generous Conflict Illusion makes me see how much this self-defeating thought process afflicts those whom I love.  I want people to be free from this illusion – free from Unselfishness, free to receive blessing, and free to be truly loving. 

I decided to leave out the passage from the book, since it deals mainly with courtship, and I want to generalize it or at least apply it to another situation: friendships between women. (If you would like to read the passage, it occurs in Screwtape’s 26th letter, which I have also found is available online.)

Consider this scenario: one woman invites another over for a social gathering. For the purpose of the story, the hostess will be named Martha, and the guest will be named Tammy. Let’s say that Martha and Tammy don’t know one another very well, or haven’t seen each other in a while. The following is their theoretical dialogue, and my commentary of the underlying thought processes. (Note: these thought processes are what some men may perceive as some “secret code” that all women “speak.” Apparently, we even understand it – that’s funny.)

Anyway, the dialogue:

Martha: Welcome to my home! I know it’s not much, but – (Martha is seeking reassurance from her friend, because she is too Unselfish to ever give compliments to herself or her to feel good about her own hard work. But this is unbeknownst to her consciously, and it’s “just her personality.”)

Tammy: Oh no, it’s beautiful! (She may sincerely believe this, but she is obligated to say it to try to keep Martha from feeling bad about herself and the home to which she attends day after day.)

Martha: Oh, thank you… (She is at a loss for words. Now that she has been reassured and lifted up as the center of attention – at her own, perhaps unintentional, request – she must still appear Unselfish. She would rather not argue with her guest about the quality of her household, so she dismisses the comment and moves on.) Well, come have a seat. Would you like anything to drink? You must be thirsty driving all the way out here! (She comments on what a huge feat it was for Tammy to drive in order to be Unselfish, when she secretly hopes that Tammy realizes how hard it was for her, Martha, to prepare this whole meeting herself in the first place.)

Tammy: Oh, I’ll just have water please. (She doesn’t want to make Martha go out of her way, and she really would like a beer, or at least some tea, but she doesn’t want to be a bother.)

Martha: Are you sure? I could make you some tea, or we have drinks in the garage… (She really is willing to do this for Tammy, though her phrasing and tone elicit a negative response from Tammy. She wants to appear to be a good hostess, so she starts heading in the direction of the garage. In fact, doing the deed of going all the way to the garage would make her feel like a good, Unselfish hostess.)

Tammy: Oh, no, water is just fine, thank you. (She wants to appear to be Unselfish by not making Martha go out of her way.)

Get the point yet? The meeting has barely even started, and there are already at least seven decisions made on the basis of Unselfishness. Both women use a self-defeating way of thinking: they seek assurance and confidence, yet they assume that these things are bad in some way, and prevent themselves from achieving it. Thus, neither one is happy, the situation is uncomfortable due to a lack of trust or even true humility, and Tammy never got her beer. And do you think either one ever got the love she truly needed?

I am not saying that it’s wrong to ask for water at a social gathering, but I wanted to point out how prominent – yet unseen – Unselfishness can be in our ways of thinking, especially for women (since this is the point of view with which I am most familiar). And we wonder why women in particular are so prone to depression…

Women, if you want to know what it’s like to be free from Unselfishness, think back to that day in history when Jesus washed the disciples’ feet:

*”Now before the Feast of the Passover, when Jesus knew that His hour had come that He should depart from this world to the Father, having loved His own who were in the world, He loved them to the end. …

“Jesus… rose from supper and laid aside His garments, took a towel and girded Himself. After that, He poured water into a basin and began to wash the disciples’ feet, and to wipe them with the towel with which He was girded. Then He came to Simon Peter. And Peter said to Him, ‘Lord, are You washing my feet?’

“Jesus answered and said to him, ‘What I am doing you do not understand now, but you will know after this.’

“Peter said to Him, ‘You shall never wash my feet!’

“Jesus answered him, ‘If I do not wash you, you have no part with Me.’

“Simon Peter said to Him, ‘Lord, not my feet only, but also my hands and my head!’”

Was Peter in debt to God? Yes. Was it good for him to avoid being served? By no means! Avoiding blessing was not “humble,” but secretly selfish. Peter’s Unselfishness also prevented Jesus from loving and blessing Peter. Think about it, which is better: to be blessed and then to pass on that blessing to others – or to avoid being blessed altogether, only to sink into self-loathing and isolation, having the pride of being in debt to no man or woman?

In the same way, in order to pay it forward, you must first receive it yourself.

“If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I have given you an example, that you should do as I have done to you. Most assuredly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master; nor is he who is sent greater than he who sent him. If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them.”

So next time someone invites you into their beautiful home, go forth and be a blessing: ask for a beer.