The fact is, I’m writing again.
I don’t know what you like to do.
But do you have one of those things that,
if you don’t do it,
you’re just not yourself?
Like, a ritual you have in the morning,
or drinking nasty smoothies,
or, you know, breathing?
Because writing is like that for me.
When I don’t write, I lose touch of myself. My emotions. My thoughts. I forget what I’m fighting for.
I’ve heard people say, “It’s easy to just go through the motions.” Well, no, it’s not.
It’s hard to go through the motions. That’s why we don’t stop and think. Because stopping and thinking is like piling one more thing on top of everything.
Ah… And that is the point where it’s about time life gets a little easier, isn’t it?
Because you need to make room for the hardest things, the things that are hard but worth it.
Or else life is both hard and not worth it.
At the same time.
Which just sucks all around.
Life will be hard either way. I want it to be hard with joy and purpose and meaning
far beyond passing on more life and more death to more people.
You never meet a mortal.
I was so sick of being on WordPress, because, it’s my job.
I’d design a website, then get on my own website and be irritated by everything I saw wrong on my blog. And so I’d spend time on designing by blog, but never writing.
But this weekend, I finally swept the design out of the way so I can just
These are words you see.
Not calls to action. Not pictures that try to sweep your 8-second attention back from your feed that is gawking over Miley Cyrus or helpless lions (but not brave lambs).
I have no agenda now. In the next 1-2 years, I will write a book. Maybe another devotional. But here, I just want a place where I can be
The best part is, only the people who really want to read will read.
I’ve always wanted to be a mystery… but I’ve always longed to be known at the same time. Maybe that’s just a human thing… Reminds me of Proverbs 25:2:
“It is the glory of God to conceal a matter;
to search out a matter is the glory of kings.”
There is something unique about mystery. It takes work to search it out. But there is something so glorious about discovering something for yourself… something that doesn’t happen if you’re just given all of someone or something after just one night.
It’s the best kind of work.
There’s value in discovering something (or someone) slowly. And maybe that’s why sometimes I just feel… buried?
Maybe that’s why when you ask God a question about why something is the way it is, that He doesn’t just say, “Well, because, Meg, blah blah blah.” And that’s the end of it.
If you are given math homework and get all the answers, you’ll never discover the beauty behind the way our world is so, so ordered. So intentional down to the smallest quark. You’ll never get to see your light bulb come on by the sheer patience of your mind to search the ins and outs of how something works… and why.
The fact is, the deeper you dive into a mystery, the smaller you feel, the more questions you have, and yet the more confident you are that this is what you’re living for.
I have an extreme fear of letting people down. And also, being unpopular. And also, of going through the motions.
Haha. But I am all of these.
I will let people down. I have a pretty unpopular worldview that most people don’t understand, and that I don’t even really understand myself most of the time. Oftentimes I don’t even want to believe it. But I’ve been shown too much…
It would be a lie to run away.
Lately I’ve been annoyed by God.
I don’t want to live like He wants me to live. I want to go through the motions, and do the work that already seems hard enough. I want to work all day every day, not take a rest. It seems so meaningless. And yet, the fact is, I envy the richness of meaning that exists beyond productivity. I envy it.
People who can handle life better than me, they rest. And have families. And jobs. And houses they own. Not me. I have a job. No family. No house of my own.
Maybe I find more of my self-worth in my job than God does.
Boy, am I glad he sees me for more than just what I can offer to society or even to Him. He isn’t Utilitarian like I am. Which is more evidence to me that I didn’t just make him up. If I made up God, he would completely support my destructive lifestyle.
I want to be just one part of me. Not all parts of me.
I want to put forth the parts of myself that are strong and that can handle every day life on my own, not the weak parts and the parts I’m ashamed of and that actually need other people.
And because of that, I have a history of tearing myself in half.
Strong-Me gets straight A’s and is always encouraging, while weak-me has an eating disorder and feels lie the most unknown, hidden person on earth. That was high school.
Now, my duplicity every threatens to return. But that’s okay. Because the fact is,
the God Who Annoys Me
is the very one
who holds me
Not music. Not work. Not people. Not dreams of what life could be if I had my own way.
Because the fact is,
you can’t change the facts.
And that is so hard
and so irritatingly