I don’t usually do these. And my “these” I mean pretty much just a spill session. But there is this pit in my stomach this morning, and this time I decided to let it happen instead of discounting it as fear or anxiety. I know neither of these ever lead to anything good, so I don’t usually feel them. But this feeling inside me is something more like passion with a shot of urgency.
The Website
While I was in Israel, I got a call from a woman to whom I was referred for my web design services. I was originally going to refer her to a friend. But when she called me yesterday, I reneged on my original intention, since I’m only getting about 30 hours of work a week at my coffee shop. Maybe I’m not too busy for it after all, and It would be great to have another source of income.
The only reason I didn’t agree to build the site is this: The reason she called me yesterday was to say they were postponing their web relaunch operations.
The Photobook
Meanwhile, I am compiling a photobook and magazine recounting my group’s Israel pilgrimmage. I am trying to make it in such a way that it’s (1) Of practical use by fellow pilgrims to show to friends and family, (2) Scalable, so that people who’ve never gone to Israel can understand the region and its historical and religious significance, even if they’ve never been, and (3) To act as part of my own personal portfolio. To top it off, I was hoping to (4) make some good money doing this book, because it’s taking me a lot of time to gather materials, edit, research, etc., and I argue that it’s something I’m pretty talented at.
In talking to a friend yesterday, I also realized a big part of doing this project for me personally is that it will (5) provide me and others with a great sense of closure for a particular direction I am deciding to take in my life. If possible, I’d love to (6) partner with the tour company we went with (the CEO was our tour guide) and sell the photobook through the company, giving them a significant cut of sales. And finally, I would love to sell this book online in digital and print form with a certain publisher so that English-speaking Jews and Gentiles (especially millennials) would hear and understand the gospel of Yeshua that the Lord has written on history and on our hearts, and that they might receive Yeshua as the Messiah, the one who gives them new life.
So, I guess for this section, my conclusion is that I have this huge project I’m trying to do in between coffee shops, coffee dates, and personal times of rest and reflection —
and it’s as if I’m trying to tame a monster.
I would love to call on others for help on this project, but I don’t know whom, or how, and I don’t even know how much money I’d be able to promise them. So, for now, I’m doing this whole thing myself, not knowing how much money I’ll make, and yet, with a vision larger than even a website worth $20K. In one respect, I am relying solely on the grace of God to turn this into something. In another respect, I am seeking His direction for how I myself can act, delegate, and budget time to turn this into what I dream of it being, for His glory.
The Other Website
Lastly. I’ve been hesitant to write anything on this blog, because I’m quite honestly been very frustrated with it on the back end. None of my plugins are working. It’s not being publicized well. I’m occasionally getting 47 emails every 6 hours about how my site backup is NOT working. I thought the name “Daughter of Pearl” would stick with me at some point, but I still have problems with it. And maybe most of all, the blog I hosted for the Israel trip had over 60 followers; everybody ranted and raved about it; and here I do the exact same kind of writing on my personal blog, and I haven’t gotten a new subscriber in months and I’m topped out at 10.
Dilemmas, compounded
I realize the importance of resting in God, relying on Him, being patient on His timing, and most of all, wanting Him more than I want any specific outcome. Yes. At the same time, I know God cares deeply about what I do with my time. Yes, I am called to simply be, and be who I am made to be.
But the more I’m hearing about turmoil in the middle east the more I want to pull my hair out because I just know there is not much time. And just by saying that I feel a little crazy because I really don’t know how much time is left. But I know I need to do something and I’m only one person and I may never own a magazine company but I have a weighty calling on my life to share the gospel and make disciples.
In short, I am overwhelmed.
But for a time like this, I think I need to be.
My country is celebrating independence tomorrow. We paint our nails and light things on fire and forget that for us to be as stable as are are right now, people had to kill each other. In a country where suffering is the unforgivable sin, we are build on suffering and hardship carried with selflessness, which, last time I checked, isn’t part of the American dream anymore.
When our kids get kidnapped, it’s an isolate instance of insanity, a person who just doesn’t manage or hide their sin as well as the rest of us. When Israeli kids get kidnapped, it is a political and religious statement. There is not much you can do in the middle east without it being some kind of political and religious statement. Everything is so much bigger. Which leads me to believe that, even here, in America, where an individual voice is lost in the abyss of taxes and tweets, my voice is so much bigger than I even realize.
In a race, every twitch of a muscle, every hint of an attitude, matters. A half-newton of force in your toes could mean the difference between winning and losing. A twinge of fear as you notice the runner behind you, or that face in the crowd, and it could throw off your turning velocity just enough to cause you to lose.
I think of these things these days. And I feel as though we’re living down to the wire. Not just me, but the whole world. And maybe we don’t even know it. And that’s why I think I need to be overwhelmed. Because sometimes it feels like I’m one of very few who realizes we’re all playing hopscotch on tightropes.
And if anyone is going to recognize that the Giver’s apple is, in fact, red, why not me?
Why not you?
I have five bags, you have three. Whatever the cost, invest wisely.
Don’t be afraid, but shed the dross:
One coin lost is a world of loss.
The fire is coming; the water has come. Step in boldly and emerge undone.
Whoever shall outlast the fire, come;
whatever is licked by the flames —
Gone.
