Image source: http://awksound.bandcamp.com
This Tuesday, I had a frustrating, rather meaningless morning.
I was going to meet someone for coffee, and ended up driving over an hour only to find that I went to the wrong shop, and cut a huge gash in my work day. So I turned around and went back. And kept making wrong turns. Partly because my GPS is out of date, partly because it didn’t know my friend’s coffee shop existed, and partly because I’m a human being. 4
I suppose I was sad and embarrassed and maybe even a little angry. But I don’t really get angry because my anger never really has an object. Especially this time.
I don’t mind so much when people let me down or something. I don’t hold grudges. I don’t mind pain if it has a purpose, if I’m sacrificing for something or somebody. But to lose time, really, for no reason at all, with no one really at fault — that is what I can’t handle.
Meaninglessness.
Yet meaninglessness is a black hole, and it tries to steal away your thoughts and your joy and just more and more of your time and your life. I found myself just wondering why. It wasn’t a huge thing in the grand scheme of things, but it cost me an hour.
I was trying to get perspective on it. And finally this thought came into my head: Don’t let it steal more than it already took away.
I’ve told this to people before who were mourning over some kind of sin. Like, many years ago, I had a friend tell me they had looked at porn and just felt really dirty. Like, when you know better and you do it anyway. You put all this work into overcoming something and then you willingly — willingly — just wreck it all. Why? There is no reason. No reason.
Meaninglessness.
Don’t let it steal more than it already took away.
Don’t give the devil another victory by letting him keep you down.
You fell in a hole. You are free to get out of that place. You don’t have to try to make up for all the time you lost. Just get up. The more time you wallow, the more that meaningless thing will steal away your meaning.
And don’t forget to make it meaningful. By telling someone about it. Because we were not meant to be alone. There is comfort in being human together.
Did you remember to fail big today?
Anyway. After that frustrating morning, I went to a coffee shop and listened to this song over and over again. It made me feel peaceful. It reminded me of grace. It reminded me that not everybody will understand you all the time. And only One will ever understand just exactly what you’re going through.
The existentialists are right: the world is a very lonely place, because no other human being can really ever know your heart. Not really. But the existentialists who remain unknown by God, who is Love, are still left with the same answer in the end:
Meaninglessness.
AKW with “Last Lines.” AKW stands for Alex K. Wisner. There’s also Adam Cude and Daniel Donayre. Like them here. Download them here. Follow at @alexkwisner.
“Last Lines” — AKW
it’s a bit of a problem;
you don’t know a thing about me.
it’s not that i solved it,
it’s just that i’m giving up.
on our way out,
i’ll say it again
i will come out when i feel that i am ready,
i might make you wait until you hate me.
we’re all of these sleepless nights
we all eat ourselves alive
but it’s all part of stories
that only come out at night
and in the last lines
i’ll say it again.
i will come out when i feel that i am ready,
i might make you wait until you hate me.
we’re all of these sleepless nights
we all eat ourselves alive
but it’s all part of stories
and these are our last lines
in our last lines,
I’ll say it again
i will come out when i feel that i am ready,
i might make you wait until you hate me.
