God has been teaching me that my identity is not found in my circumstances, my sins, my trials, my reputation, my self-perception, or my limitations. My identity and my purpose are found in Christ alone. This post is a sort of conclusion to a previous post, entitled Moral Self-Consciousness.
I am not stable in myself. So if I’m searching for lasting joy, looking at myself, what I do, or the setting in which I find myself will not suffice, and any happiness I’m selfishly searching for will be frustratingly vulnerable.
Yet I know that I have a better source of joy. One night last month, I was awake past midnight crying for almost an hour. God convinced me to take the day off of work, which I felt guilty about, of course, since I was still focusing on myself. I was alone. It was not a good place to be.
My problems were not solved that day. I dreaded going to work the next day, yet I had been in anguish in prayer over my own condition. I knew I was in the wrong mindset, and I couldn’t change myself, and I was just waiting. I had been praying all summer for joy, and asked a few of my friends to pray that I would experience it. Does God really answer prayers? I often enter my prayers with an attitude that He doesn’t. I pray for joy, then try to muster it up myself. What a pitiful counterfeit!
Even while I worked, God filled me with an inexpressible joy about Heaven. I thought about my life from the standpoint of heaven, based on something I had read in the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan. A million years from now, I will be in heaven, still a live and still me, and I will be able to look back on my life on earth. How did I serve the Lord? What did I give up? Was it worth it?
It seems selfish for God to ask that we would give up everything. God, why do you want me here? I resent your plan. If you love me, why don’t you bring me some comfort? Give me a break.
But from the perspective of heaven – whenever we give up something for God, it makes an eternal difference. Maybe God wants me to represent Him to my co-workers. If I weren’t at this job, maybe one of my co-workers would never consider that Jesus could actually love them – personally. Maybe if I didn’t go through this trial, one of these people would be looking back millions of years from now on their own life from a rather different place, wishing they were back in the very place I’m so eager to escape!
And to think that I’m promised every spiritual blessing – every desire I have will be fulfilled! I am already seated with Christ in heaven. I already have it all. I am already considered righteous – and not because of what I do. I already have everything I could ever want! I am promised an eternity of blessings. Quadrillions of years. Quadrillions. Quadrillions. Quadrillions. I’ve only said that four times and you’re already getting bored? Try saying that one quadrillion times.
Now think of it – months, even years – of trials. Give up that little amount of time? For you, Jesus? Of course. Gladly! What else am I gonna use this time for – happiness? Pleasure? Status? Comfort? I already have more of that stored up in heaven than I could ever get here. It’s worthless to try to pursue something I already have.
I’m not going to waste my time here. Is there anyone out there who is with me?
