I have many a beloved friend who has wanted something with all his or her being —something very good — and has not gotten it within the expected time frame, or rather, any time frame at all, and has not known what to do about it. What are we to do?

This is our life, after all,
not some game.
Sometimes it feels that way.
It’s inhumane.

We wonder why God is making us wait. Is it something I did? Something I said? Is He trying to teach me a “lesson?” Improve my character? If I fix my character, will I get this thing I want? What do I need to do?

And if it’s not something I need to do, then… well, what am I supposed to do? Just wait? Do nothing?
I have to do something.

The frustration, confusion, bitterness, anger — it’s all very real.

The silence.

 

 

 

 

Silence is so hard to discern. You know this if you’ve ever texted someone and they haven’t responded.
Are they busy?
Are they mad at you?
Did their phone die?
Are they too busy for you?
It could be one of any number of things, ranging between inconsequential and life-threatening.

What do you do with silence?

I recently heard someone say they’re convinced that God is always speaking. If that’s true, why the silence? What is blocking me from hearing this so-called ever-present voice?
If God is always speaking, why don’t I hear Him?

It must be
there’s something wrong with me.

Or maybe… it’s not me  who isn’t holding up His end of the bargain…

But I think what destroys us is this deeply unanswered question of whether God really hears us.

Can you hear me?

Can you hear me?

Care to hear me?

You may find yourself praying constantly, hearing nothing from God. Nothing.
There is

nothing

more disconcerting than this experience of waiting, praying, and being
deferred.

So why the wait? Why the silence?

 

 

 

I don’t know.

I honestly don’t have an adequate answer for you.

Sometimes I wonder if we’re jumping the gun.
What kind of attitude do you have to have to have these questions?
What do you have in your mind, your heart?

Doubt.

Doubt.
I love doubt.
It makes you think.
It makes you question what you once thought was true.

I also hate doubt.
Doubt makes me unstable.
It makes me feel like I was duped, like I was wrong this whole time, and nobody told me,
and I’m a fool because of it.

Doubt has led existentialists to suicide, Christians to apostasy, and marriages in shambles —
whether they needed to be or not.

Doubt can bite at your identity.
Doubt can leave you
for better
or for worse.

It’s where you leave it. Or rather…

 

What matters to me, because I love you, is not where it leaves you. It’s that
it leaves you.

Because if it doesn’t, it will eat away at you until you leave Him —
Whether you needed to or not.

Doubt has a place.
Just one.
Don’t give it all of them.

If you’re doubting God,
don’t just… stop.
Without sorting it through.
But get to a point where you stop doubting.

How?

Get off the fence.
Sitting on the fence just makes you numb.

If you’ve been waiting for his voice, make a decision.

Is He speaking, or is He not?

If He is, it must be because He’s gonna find a way to get to you.

If He’s not, then there’s no use in seeking His voice through His word and His actions through you life, so don’t bother.

Does He hear you, or does He not?

Because if He does, then every single prayer you prayed is worth it. He will not forget one word. He will not disregard a single tear. He will not overlook any of your pain. Indeed, He felt the same way you did, right along with you, this whole time.

He’s felt it, the abandonment, the rejection, the betrayal.
He has.
He does.
Not just His, but yours.

Does He love you, LOVE you, love YOU?

If He does hear you, and if He does love you, there is something amazing waiting for you at the end of this thing. And somehow, it will be better, for all involved, than if you had never waited. (It would suck to have this much hope. It’s easier not to hope. But you’ll have to deal with it, in this scenario, because hope is more real than anything you know.)

If not, if He doesn’t hear you, then He’s not omniscient, at best — and at worst, He doesn’t give a shit about your life, and He’s as “good” and “loving” as a bat out of hell.

Do you believe in God, or not?

Because if you do, don’t stop, because He’s promised good for you. He gave up His freaking firstborn child for you. Why would He withhold something lesser, just out of spite or something?

If you don’t, then stop waiting for his voice. Pay no attention to him. He is not to be trusted, and he is inconsistent, just like the rest of us. Nothing in your life will ever make sense.

If you believe God is who He says He is, expect Him to act accordingly. 

If you don’t believe he is who he says he is, then stop believing him altogether.

Just promise me you won’t fart around somewhere on the fence. Worshipping some weird, numb fence god.

Just promise me you won’t believe in this stupid, inadequate fence god, because
that kind of god most assuredly does not hear your prayers;
that kind of god certainly does not care about your life; and
that god certainly
does
not
exist.

Why are you waiting?

I am sorry, so sorry,
you have been waiting.

I really am.

But whatever reason it is, it’s not because you suck, and it’s not because God sucks.

The God I know doesn’t do stupid things for stupid reasons. The God I know puts the moon at just the right spot to sustain the oceans without flying away or crashing into the earth. The God I know fits your entire genome on a single molecule, and this one little molecule has sustained every single species we have today, for thousands upon thousands of years.

The God I know loves you, so much that, before you had a word to say about the matter, did not just offer to sacrifice, but went ahead and sacrificed his own (willing) son so you could be restored to right relationship with him — you know, if you wanted that.

The God I know is calculated and sovereign…
but He cries harder and He cares deeper and He waits longer than anyone I know,
because we humans tend to numb ourselves to things that are too big for us.

That God might know that the dead man will be raised, eventually, but he doesn’t care — he’s gonna cry with his sisters while he’s dead, because death HURTS.

Did you know that God hurts with you, no matter what reason you’re hurting?

Did you know that God hurts with you, no matter how soon or how late until the pain will go away? (Because it will.)

Did you know that, no matter what hope is ahead, God doesn’t take lightly the pain and anger and injustice you’re feeling right now?

Did you know, God is powerful enough to be above you and your human experiences,
but he chose instead and in addition to live it with you, side-by-side?

Did you know it’s not enough for him to just pay you later, but He’s gonna make sure He knows, for Himself, exactly how hard this is for you?

Maybe this whole time He just wanted you to know that.
Maybe He wanted to know that, no, not everything is fixed,
but there’s something more to life than fixing everything.
There’s relationship. 

There’s something about going through difficulties — together — that shows you how much someone loves you.

Maybe, He wanted to show you that he’s going through this with you, and yes, there’s a reason, but that doesn’t explain away the pain, and he’s aware of that.

And he doesn’t want you to be numb. Because there’s someone else YOU’RE gonna choose to endure pain with, and enduring it with them, instead of just fixing it for them, will show them how much YOU love them. You know what I’m talking about, don’t you?

Why the wait?
I don’t
have
the answer.
I don’t know what you’ve been through.
But I know someone who does.

And if you know him, too,
really know him,
know his heart,
then maybe that’s a good enough thing to
have.

There is always more to a question than an answer, right?

 

 

 

And sometimes that

So here you are,
between a question

(So who are you gonna choose to be here with you.)

and an answer.

makes all the difference.

 

 

 

“Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God,
let us hold fast our confession.
For we do not have a high priest who is
unable to sympathize
with our weaknesses,
but one who
in
every
respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.

Let us then
with confidence
draw near
to the throne of grace,
that we may receive mercy
and find grace
to help
in time of need.”

// Hebrews 4:14-16

Further reading: Hebrews 3-4