Hey guys. I haven’t written in a while. I was on a rant and realized I could turn it into a post and maybe reveal some of my heart. I think it’s important to reveal your heart to people. Or your life might just end up being shallow. Like a kiddie pool. This one’s kinda long, not necessarily deep. But if you find your ears popping and the pressure rising, then maybe your sinking feeling will be a blessing.
God, I want to serve the world. You know, that round thing I hear about all the time,
and that, come to think of it,
I live in. For now.
I want your heart in serving the hurting, annoying people in the yonder lands that I can’t touch with my TV remote. I just want to leave this place and be everything you want me to be,
no temptations for complacency.
“Get up.” You mean I have to get up?
“Get up.” I’ve been crippled all my life… and now you’re saying I can get up?
Who’s the lame one now?
Where I stand, complacency is easier to come by than faith. In a way, going to an impoverished place would be easier that way.
It’s like a slot canyon.
Once you get in,
you have a
narrow
path
to
travel,
even
if
there’s
less
light.
But when you’re in a vast field, you have so many choices. There is light everywhere. You can go any number of directions, and you can easily turn back and do something again, or not. You don’t have to make so many commitments, so I suppose you don’t have so many regrets. Each step doesn’t seem quite so important or meaningful. But you can get so lost in that valley. You may never find that big, almost untouchably cold, refreshing river. You can do whatever you want but you can die. In a slot canyon, there’s only two choices. Back or forward. But here I am, in a valley. I want to just have someone tell me what to do, where I’ll go, and how long it will take. But if I had knowledge of some dichotomous good and evil, there would be no Surprise. I wouldn’t have to feel the wind on my thumb or listen for the thundering springs. Or experience the sensation of my jaw dropping, my tongue at a loss to contribute a single stroke to improve the picture.
No mystery.
I wouldn’t need you.
I can’t imagine life without you.
Sometimes I’m afraid that the direction I choose will take me away from you.
But I can’t just stay here.
I have a dream, and you’ll use it. You gave me this dream. Some of my dreams, you gave them to me to test my affections. Will I give up my Isaac? What if the next time you don’t stop my hand from its fatal commitment?
“So be it! So be it!”
It’s not about this world anyway. I’ll find some way to be disappointed one way or another. Just watch me.
“To Him be the glory, power, honor, etc. forever and ever, etc.” That’s the part I skip over a lot, the part that is really the only thing they’ll sing in the end. Not “Megan made a decision. What a feat!” or “Whew! That could have been really uncomfortable or unproductive.” How dare I waste the angels’ breath.
How can I get my life to speak only of you?
It’s not about approval. But what’s the difference between approval and discernment and wisdom? And what of grace and faith? What of “rubbish?” I guess I can’t idolize human counsel if I don’t seek it.
But that would be a disgrace to Solomon.
He’s in the bible.
The bible is always right.
Humans are not.
I’m a human.
So are humans.
You’re always right. Isn’t that the purpose of it all? “May God be proved right and every man a liar.” I’m one of those. Okay, I lied. I’m a woman.
Okay, now I’m just getting cocky for the sake of appearance and not even talking to you. I’m sorry. Honestly, I don’t know what to do now. …But I’m looking forward to tomorrow because I get to depend on you again. And when I do find myself on a clearly yellow-bricked road, I hope I don’t lose that desperation. I’ll be desperate to maintain my desperation, because I can’t even be desperate on my own.
Here I am in the valley. I’m not “there” yet, wherever it is. You’re here, too. And you’re also “there” waiting for me to get “there.” But that decoy “future me” over there… isn’t me. So how’s about we go for a walk?
“I will walk through the valley if you want me to.”
Oh, to walk by faith and not by sight!
May I choose to close my eyes to get a better view. You see, The unseen is eternal. The seen will soon be unseen.
May I choose to let my future remain a handsome, unknown mystery. May my life not be an expectation to be met, but a divine Husband to meet again and again when I wake up and when He shines on me and I don’t understand what He’s saying because I don’t listen all that well.
