This weekend, I flew back home on account of I had planned to go to this one conference in Denver since before I got my new job in Boston. Coming back two weeks after I left afforded a few benefits: one, it was a bit easier for my mom when I left the first time because she knew she’d see me again. Two, I got to bring more stuff back to Boston that wouldn’t fit in my car last time. Three, I got to see a few of my friends again. And my dog.

But coming back also somewhat intensified the reality that I’m gone. I’ve been traveling all of today, and I still have some projects from my old job that are taking way longer than I thought. The business of the past and of the future kind of just left me feeling numb.

So I had been wanting to go to this conference for over a year. Come to find out my new boss is speaking at the conference and I also get invited to speak. So the first two days of the conference I am one-third listening to speakers, two-thirds trying not to explode from anxiety. I kept praying for God to prepare me. When I did what I could to fulfill this prayer, it still didn’t quite cut it. Then God brought this amazing person onto my path.

My friend Anthony came with me to this conference. The second day, he left our conference venue early to answer a business call. He ended up at a coffee shop. As I was sitting in a session, he texted me to come there, now. I threw my stuff together and left the auditorium.

I ran over and sat down on a stool and looked beyond the bar and saw this beautiful person. They had asked Anthony, What’s going on over there? Anthony said, oh, a Christian conference. The barista sighed and said, I should have known. Anthony said, I hope it’s because they have been treating you well. The barista rolled their eyes.

Once I got there, the barista told me their story. They grew up in a Christian home but was basically completely disowned by their parents. And let me tell you. They definitely didn’t feel the love of Jesus from their parents’ decided treatment. The trouble is, I understand where these parents are coming from. I don’t really ever get angry at people. But I hurt for my new friend, and I hurt for these parents, in different ways, and for different reasons. And here’s why. I can’t help but wonder if their parents made this decision because of a false belief they believed with sincerity, thinking it was “best” when really it was neither true nor wise nor loving.

False beliefs lead to unwise actions. Our pluralistic society would like us to get away with this. As much as I believe it is important to let everyone believe for themselves what it important… false beliefs inadvertently hurt us, and they hurt our neighbors. 

This is why I cannot bring myself to abandon the idea of a higher, unchanging truth that transcends what our little minds can grasp. But it’s there, and it isn’t abstract. It is powerfully practical.

The barista truly believed they knew Jesus and had the Holy Spirit dwelling inside them, but they were still worried they might go to hell. My friend Anthony was trying to listen but was also bursting at the seams with something he wanted to say. When the time came, he proceeded to completely just like lay down this huge grace bomb of encouragement and affirmation toward our new friend. I shared a verse about how the Holy Spirit is a seal guaranteeing our deposit in heaven and that nothing we do or anyone else could do could take that away.

Man. I thought I liked this barista before. They were so kind and sincere and even gave us drinks for free.

But you should have seen the joy in those eyes.

I walked away from that coffee shop with a peace I could not understand. I still didn’t know what I was going to say at my event, but I knew exactly why I was going to say it. Was I giving false assurance? Assuredly not. And if, by some crack in my own understanding, I was, then I was still pointing this person one step closer to Jesus and to being confident about the answer to their question.

The conference I went to was all about making Christians think well. Think better. Ask better questions. Get better answers. Guys, we need to know why we believe what we believe. And if we don’t know, we better find out. Some of our beliefs may change. Not the essentials, of course — but really, what isn’t essential?

That Christ died for sinners, of whom I am chief, to bring us near to God, to give us eternal life… that is essential. But if we aren’t conveying this message, if we are throwing people out who genuinely want to just be all they were made to be… well, I’d say that’s an essential problem.

Man. I am in a haze. Coming back I felt very numb. But now that I’m writing, I realize this conference has changed me. I have realized just how much difference of belief there is among Christians, even among very seemingly homogenous Christians. I met a girl who didn’t like the word “idolatry” and I wondered about all the times that word has genuinely helped or genuinely hurt. I met Christians who were fully convinced white privilege is alive and well not only in American, but in the Church, a place where Jesus never welcomed any kind of elitism whatsoever. I met white Christians who don’t believe white privilege exists at all.

I think this conference accomplished everything it was supposed to in my soul. Boy, did it make me think. Here is my main conclusion.

Nobody has all the right answers. But all of us have some of the right answers. Universal, absolute truth is real. It doesn’t just transcend all experience; it makes sense of all experience. But we interpret it just a little wrong, or at least incompletely, from our inherently biased circumstances.

Story is powerful. But it also innately is told from a framework that is incomplete at best. It is important to investigate story in light of a higher standard. And although we will always be incomplete, we need to constantly be spending time in the Word. Or we will begin to sincerely believe things that are neither true nor wise nor loving. 

So what is my anchor? It’s not my own understanding…

Yet it is also something I am completely capable of understanding, or at least getting closer and closer to understanding, both philosophically AND practically as I walk it out. I am capable. I have been given capability. I have been given the mind of Christ, even inside my puny little mind, and it’s like the TARDIS, where this spirit of infinite love, Jesus, somehow lives inside my also-infinite (but in a smaller way) spirit.

I am capable of knowing truth. Not only in my heart. Not only in my head. Not only in my works. All at once. Not only as a concept. Not only as a Person. But as a unique, distinct person, with a distinct character, with a name.

I am capable of knowing someone named Truth. Why? Because Truth is a person, and He poured out his blood to get to me before I even lifted a finger to get to him.

I can know what is true and right and correct and best. Otherwise, why would He give me a book? Why the Dead Sea Scrolls? Why the assurance that I, a sheep, know His voice? My anchor isn’t my own understanding. It is a Person.

The problem isn’t that I can’t know. The problem is that I have Truth at my disposal, and yet I don’t rack it open.

I must make myself blind. I must see through His eyes… I must walk by faith and not by sight. This isn’t wishy-washy. This is a more certain vision than my beady little eyes could ever muster.

I will not renege on what I know to be true. Rather, my vision will only expand as I submit more of it to perfect eyes. Maybe that’s the meaning of “Be thou my vision.”

We have a lot of work to do to make the church beautiful. But I know who she is. I’ve seen her in her most beautiful moments. … Yet I won’t stop only at what I’ve seen.

They say the Bible is like a mirror. It shows you where you need to mess with your hair or wipe the dirt off your face or fix your makeup. You can walk away as if nothing ever happened. But the purpose of the bible is always to refine. To refine. To beautify. To beautify. To change. To change. To transform. To transform.

Truth. Love. Wisdom. These are found in the Word. The person, the way, the truth, the life, who has given us his word (his promise, his history, his command).

Truth. Love. Wisdom. These are found in the Word. And in places where these are not found also written on my heart and on my mind and in my spirit… oh Lord. Here are my empty spaces. Fill me up.