I’ve been thinking a lot lately about feelings, and especially, how they direct our lives and our attitudes.

It’s almost like feelings are this ocean,
full of water and blue fish and salt
and plastic and whale pee and sponges
and pearls —
all the good things and the bad things —
and we’re floating on this ocean
and it is somehow supposed to get our boat across to some faraway shore
where we belong.

 

The word “feelings” is so vague and confusing it makes me want to pull my hair out.
And yet, it is intimately attached to the way we live.
Let me give you some examples of confusing feelings.
Maybe you can relate.

 

One. Most people will tell you that if you “have feelings” for someone, that that is some sign from the universe or nature or God or whatever that you’re “meant” to be with this person.

And then, when you get married, and you start having “feelings” for another person, that same principle doesn’t seem to fit anymore. What does that say about you? About who you ended up marrying? Was it the wrong person? And if so, how the heck should you go about finding the right person?

One of the most important decisions in our lives — whom (and why) we marry — can be driven by this double-standard that, we find, suddenly flips upside-down once commitment is required. No wonder we have trouble navigating it —  or maybe stay away from it altogether.

Attraction. We can let our feelings guide our relationships.

 

Two. I hear lots of people also say they “just have a feeling” they need to go do something, like invite a friend to a special event, or go up to a stranger and tell them hope is on the way, or go give a lady money in a parking lot. The outcomes I’ve seen from these kinds of feelings are usually, well, quite miraculous and life-changing, and for more than one involved party, too.

But is this just some coincidence? An act done only out of neurochemical compulsion? Is it driven by some invisible and holy spirit? Or do I do it just because, in return, I get a good “feeling?”

Compassion. We can let feelings guide our charity.

 

Three. And then, you have negative feelings about seemingly positive things. Like getting nervous to perform onstage, or absolutely dreading the idea of going to work and contributing to society, or being absolutely exhausted and yet having something you absolutely have to do for something to come together. You wonder if this is even the right place for you in the world, if you’re “meant” to be somewhere else… or whether that big, crazy, audacious thing you attempted was even right in the first place. Is it worth the chase? What if you never catch up.

Fear. We can let our feelings guide our pursuits.

 

Four. Maybe you “don’t feel right” about saying yes to someone’s request or invitation. Because it’s out of your way and would be a tough squeeze in your schedule. How do you know whether you’re making the right decision by making time for what matters… or becoming a yes-person and never giving yourself time to rest? Which leads to more negative feelings of guilt either way. You’re either bad for being unhealthy, or you’re the less for having missed an opportunity. And then you wonder whether you’re doing something “good” to quell your own bad feelings, or whether it’s really because you love someone.

Guilt. We can let our feelings guide our motivations.

 

Five. Or what if you do something very good for a very long time, and after a while, it’s so draining to you and your family and friends that it actually becomes a bad thing? Was it wrong all along? Was there a specific point you could trace back to when it started turning sour? Could you have prevented it so everything could be good? Ideal? Because if you had not worked so hard, the fruits of your labor would not have been nearly as excellent in this aspect and that aspect, right?

Ambition. We can let our feelings guide our priorities.

 

Six. And finally. This problem is confounded with this health movement going on in our society. That you should listen to your body because it was designed in such a way to tell you what it needs and all. I know this is true in a lot of ways, but also the opposite in other ways. Bodies crave cigarettes for the same reasons they crave exercise: neurotransmitter activity is invigorating. But bodies usually don’t tell you to make sacrifices, and yet, sometimes dying for something is the best thing you could do. How do you know when something is a good sacrifice and when something isn’t worth it? How do you know what your body is really craving, when sometimes it only craves a cheap substitute? How do you know what your heart is craving… when you’re tired of filling your lungs with mirrors and smoke.

And I’m sorry. I can’t bring myself to believe that my life will be best if I just listen to my feelings or my body. I know that principle to be utterly and disappointingly false. If nature had its way, all would be entropy, chaos, decay, and energy escaping us. Isn’t that one of the laws of physics?

Energy. We can let our feelings guide our commitments.

 

 

Disclaimer: I am making it a point not to criticize or belittle feelings here (though I’ve belittled or antagonized mine all too many times). These are real issues of feelings that guide some of the most significant decision points in our lives… and some of the most prevailing attitudes we hold all of our days. It’s crazy to me how some vague feeling can affect the course of one, tens, if not thousands, of lives.

 

 

So how can I experience unwavering peace in my life in the context of feelings?

 

 

That question is the one that captures me. Because in my “feeling out” of life, whether it’s my attractions, compassion, fears, guilt, energy, or ambitions… my goal in it all is to discover who I really am. To be the best “me” I can be. To live the most significant and purposeful life I can.

My goal for my feelings is to bring them all around this sense of peace,
peace that’s steady in all circumstances,
peace that sits below the watery waters at at all times,
peace toward all things and with all people.

And I bet, somewhere in you, that is pretty similar to your goal, too.

Balance.

My feelings are so, so often inconsistent with what I stand for, and, with that, who I am, even…

That the my attitudes and my actions can’t find their source in my feelings. Not really.

Sometimes feelings just kind of happen to you, even when you wish they didn’t…
Other times you wish they were there, when they really aren’t.
Life would be so much easier and simpler sometimes if we didn’t need them.
My guess is maybe there’s more beauty in a life that’s complex and difficult.
But sometimes,
it still just sucks.

So, feelings. What are you supposed to do with them?

I once heard that feelings are like a thermometer. When you see the temperature in your house is 34 degrees, the solution isn’t to throw out the thermometer. It’s to use the thermometer to measure where you are and what needs to happen to get back to a state of balance. Light a fire warm enough to stop your shivers, but not so hot as to burn up your gas bill.

Balance.

Balance is a big part of it.

When we pretend not to feel, our lives go out of balance without us often even noticing.

Numb.

This is detrimental, not to mention totally depressing and dreadful. It’s important to bring our negative emotions to God, others, and ourselves, so we can turn the proverbial heat on and find joy once again. It’s important to feel positive emotions, too, or your days will easily turn into an endless, exhausting grind, and you’ll forget why you’re trying to be significant in the first place.

It’s important to pay attention to our feelings.

But one of the most liberating things to know?

How you feel does not define who you are.

If you have a coworker you absolutely cannot stand, but you aspire to love all people… you don’t have to just muster up a “feeling” of compassion for this person. You can still choose to be kind to them, to forgive them in your mind, to release bitterness, and to see them as a person who is imperfect and broken and trying their best to cope with reality, just like you. (Because your bitterness toward them is at least as bad as their negligence. Think about it. Good thing God loves you both enough to die for you, huh?)

If a friend recently went through a tragedy, and you can’t muster up a “feeling” of sympathy (maybe you’ve never experienced something similar or feel removed from the situation), you can still choose to consider their situation, visit them, grieve with them, and think up a way you bring them any kind of comfort or space to grieve. You can choose to be a friend even if you don’t feel like a friend, even if you are afraid to be a friend.

If you have lost passion in your marriage, this feeling doesn’t reflect on your identity. It reflects on a principle every couple in history has experienced. And yet, God still tells us lifelong commitment is possible, and that He has given us the power to love someone sacrificially, donating ourselves as we are to something bigger than any fleeting feeling. Thank God the guy who wrote our universe into existence, created commitment in such a way that it could remain even when feelings took unanticipated leaves of absence. Thank God the guy who sees us suffer loss, or ignore him most of the time, is committed to us, huh?

 

Feelings are a part of life. But they are just that. A part. Sometimes they are congruent with who we are and what we stand for. Sometimes we must fight against them or bear with them or press on through them in order to pursue who we were meant to be all along. Feelings can indicate that something might need to change, but they don’t always. Negative feelings often bring us back to balance, but there are simply times in life where we’re out of balance… and maybe that’s exactly where we need to be for a season, in order to be prepared for the next season.

Feelings exist in the tension between who we are in eternity
and all the things that threaten to steal our identity.

So feel them.

But not before you are confident in
who you are and
what defines you.

How can I optimize my life in the midst of feelings?

I can’t.
I don’t trust myself.
I need an Anchor…

Something that will hold me to myself and what I stand for whether the waves are going the right direction or not.

(Without a dictionary telling me what I mean, I could start meaning anything. And soon enough, I would lose my meaning altogether…)

If feelings are an ocean, you are floating on them.
But this is not the time to drift.
This is the time you get to use
the water,
the wind, and
the earth —
all of them —
to your advantage,
no, to GOD’S advantage,
submitting and bringing these resources to Him,
relying on your compass to lead you to new, new worlds.

Heart. Soul. Mind. Strength.

So I guess that’s what I’m trying to say. You have feelings, but even floating above those, you are free. Free to be you.

You are not what you feel.
You are, AND it so happens that you can feel.
And you can think,
and you can work at things,
and you can choose.

Always, always,
you can choose,
you get to,
and you do.

But regardless, you’re you.

And someone made you just because they wanted to love you like the dickens.

You can keep sailing on those watery feelings.
You can sail,
you can drift,
you can sink,
you can pretend the water isn’t there,
or you can sail. 

You can drift,
and the water will take you where you never wanted to do.

Or you can keep on sailing.

And when you do, the waters will change behind you,
leaving swirlingly beautiful waves in your wake.

I find that when you press on to that shore,
and as you keep on sailing,
those waters will keep on trailing.

They’ll go where they were meant to go —
that is,
when you do.

After all, this ocean doesn’t revolve around you.
And what a relief that is.