“We have a desperate need to be seen. That is the imprint of God within our hearts.
He did not create us for isolation.
He created us for love, acceptance, and support in the safety of authentic, healthy community.
He deposited in us a need for
affirmation,
for honesty,
for the
freedom
that is found when we
bring our struggles
to the light”

Brenna Kate Simonds,
Living Unveiled {blog}

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You know what? I’m gonna be honest here.

I am struggling to find this kind of community and involve myself in it in more than a superficial way. I struggle to take risks to confess my sins to others. And confess them again. And again. Because I should be over this by now, right? I shouldn’t have let it get this far. I should have learned how to manage my sin better. I am the one who answers with “I’m fine.” I feel like I only get time around Christians if I am doing some kind of service for them. It’s easier than love.

I hunger for fellowship with God and His people, but I end up making music for them and missing my beloved Song. I like to say I can move on, move on from my past failures, from the people I’ve loved and left, but I still have so many regrets. And no matter whether I fix my eyes on what’s behind or what’s ahead or even what’s right here, my steps forward are still so uncertain.

I’m still carrying that 60-pound backpack I carried when I was 15 in that wretched, terrifying beast of a canyon. And my boots still fit so loosely.

Success is a trap. We have power and money and influence but influence on what? On who has power and money and influence? When we’re all still alone inside. Trying to make ourselves look strong and “compassionate” for all the other people who are also still alone inside. Well, maybe it’s about time I’m weak. So here goes.

I need you. I need someone to tie my boots tighter because frankly they’re too big for me and I can’t tie them like you can. I can’t survive here on my own. I just lead myself and others astray. (You know how bad I am at directions.)

I miss the late night drives and walks and leaps. I miss sitting on the floor with broken people, poor people, confused, scared people, just trying to find out who they are and what God thinks of them despite what everyone says. Just trying to find someone who would accept them enough not to run away. Those people were honest. In fact, I envy them. I miss them and long to speak with them again.

These are the communities I miss the most.

I came to rebuild my city. I came here to see if that kind of thing could happen here. If I could make it happen here. Maybe I helped start something, maybe not. Fire will tell.

But it has never been the same.

I came to rebuild my city. And sure, all things are possible with God on your side. Revival can happen. And it will. But sometimes I don’t allow anybody on my side. Not God, not you.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t need you to build this thing with me. Because I need you to build this thing with me. I need you. Don’t you dare let me tell you differently.

{I need you to wait. I need you to surrender daily to your God.
I need you to lay down your life for me so I can lay down my life for you.}

Who of you is brave enough to shatter my shell? Because I’m not.
Let’s be honest. I don’t know you and you don’t know me. Only God can change this.

“All I want, only one street-level miracle.
I’ll be an out-and-out born again from none more cynical.”
Remove the scales from our eyes, Lord.
Cause us to believe and then see.
For there is no transformative agent in the universe which is more powerful than
simply to see the Bridegroom, to experience His love,
and to know Him for who He really is.

1 John 3:2, 6