When I cry, I usually think of like every complex thing in my life that I could cry about and just bundle it all together, just to make sure the tears get put to good use, you know.
Today I initially started crying because my mom had reproached me about the way I had spoken to someone, and I just felt horrible about it. I was trying to justify myself, and I felt confused, and ended up trying to play the victim to brush off any personal responsibility I might have had in the matter. But while I was crying, I was humbled. I recognized that, even having full knowledge of every right and wrong decision in life wouldn’t cause me to have a blameless character. I realized how in-my- own-head I was, and that it really could have hurt this person how I spoke.
But then I started thinking about the reason I came home for the summer. I wanted to help start up a new youth band, and also mentor some students. My thoughts started spiraling into doubt: How could I mentor a student? Why would anyone put their kid under my supervision and counsel? I am obviously not competent enough to even run my own life, much less take another person under my wing. How could I ever even think of doing something like mentoring or leading? I would just mess everything up, like I just did today.
More and more problems started flooding my mind. The direction our culture is going. How many people on my street don’t know Jesus, don’t even know what life is. Leaving my friends in Fort Collins behind, exchanging mostly face-to-face relationships for mostly virtual relationships carried out in front of a screen. The thesis I’m supposed to be working on. The new job I’m supposed to start. The responsibilities I have to my parents, my accountability partner, my boyfriend, my boss, my old roommates.
But before I even got up out of my bed, I could sense my God starting to comfort me. I realized that I needed to go to God to help me. I needed to rely on God, not my ability to justify my actions. Not eating comfort food or getting more sleep. Not even moping around would help. Although meeting my own needs can help make me feel better temporarily, they aren’t the ultimate solution to my problems. I needed to believe in God. I needed to believe that He is real, that He is bigger than all of my problems — combined.
Once upon a time, this year, there was a great storm at my university that destroyed a 200-year-old tree. Suddenly, a teensy little sapling was planted to fill its place. That sapling kept growing. The End.
I started praying:
Me: God, I can’t handle this. *sob*
God: Of course you can’t handle this.
Me: … Yeah, okay. I can’t handle this, but You can. I know how it goes.
God: … Do you believe in me?
Me: Yeah. …Yeah. I believe in you.
God: … Good. Because I believe in you. You’re my daughter.
Me: You believe in me. … Well, if you believe in me, then I guess I will, too. If it were your word against mine, you would always win. Why should I argue?
My problems didn’t go away, but God gave me the strength to get up out of bed. And it’s true what they say about the devil saying “Oh crap! She’s up!” when you wake up. I know, because he dumped a bunch more problems on me later today. And I really just wanted to give up. But by God’s grace, I didn’t.
You see, I came here to this city this summer with a mission — not my mission, but God’s mission — to radically love the people in my life. My parents. The high schoolers and middle schoolers in my old youth group. The lady I talked to in line at Walmart whose husband slipped a disk. The guy I talked to sitting on a bench whose best friend just died. My new coworkers.
I came here with a mission. And Satan really doesn’t like it.
Which is the very reason I’m not gonna listen to the lies.
“You’re not good enough.” That’s true, but God IS, and He lives IN me. …He lives in ME.
“You can’t save the world.” True, but God already DID when He died on the cross, two-freaking-thousand years ago. It’s DONE. World SAVED. It’s a winning battle. God knows what He’s doing.
“But look at how hopeless this situation looks.” True, it looks hopeless. Unless you take off the shades of negativity and look toward the LIGHT. Because when you actually use this thing called light, it bounces all around and actually makes you see things clearly. You’re not self-sufficient. The human body doesn’t emit light. That’s why we need to intentionally put ourselves around it, even when it hurts our puny little eyes.
“You put all that effort in, but nothing happened.” Bull crap. When God does something amazing, it’s usually hidden, especially when it’s really incredible. When God created the entire universe, He didn’t invite a single witness other than Himself. When God became a man, he was born into a feeding trough, of all things. And when God changed my heart today, everyone in my house thought I was taking a nap, and everyone else in the world could probably care less what I was doing. God’s humble that way, and he prefers us to be the same, which is why, when a treasure of a change happens in the world, you have to take the time to dig it up. Even and especially when my efforts are not that great, but when they are full of a great deal of love — God takes pride in that. I’m gonna trust that my work in the Lord is NOT in vain, because that’s what the Bible says, and every single word that proceeds from the mouth of God is 100% TRUE and pure, and NOTHING can taint it or erase it. God’s purity is more pure than the most vile of human intentions or the most blatant of mistakes.
So, I want to say something — not as an infinitely wise or good or condescending person or on my own authority, but because I want everybody to experience the God’s goodness. Not because I claim to know the depth of your situation and everything that’s involved, but because I know that God does know you. He knows your faults and all of the things holding you back, and all of the ways you doubt yourself. He knows all the things you don’t like about yourself and that you don’t like about the people around you and the extremely difficult things you deal with. Even if you would never admit them. Even if you don’t know yourself or feel like you don’t know anything at all. He knows.
I am telling you, when you agree with God, you win the argument every time. And I beg of you: Agree with God, the Almighty Lord of All, and believe in Him when He says that you are a person who is worth believing in.
That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. ~2 Corinthians 12:10
